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childhood temper tantrum essay

childhood temper tantrum essayChildhood temper tantrum essay -But I do agree with Laura, its better to lay the ground work down now, when they are young. I pray, I do not repeat this cycle and am trying hard to practice Dr. With her very limited language, she simply said, "Yeah." I told her that I'd been very distracted and busy and that we hadn't had any fun for a few days. Then I asked her if she'd like to have a start-over hug. Once I could slow my reactions down and see what I was doing, see how it affected my daughter, and realize my own personal pain that I was projecting onto her, it rapidly became easier.I had to forgive myself and know I was just doing the best I could. I can always help her so much better and our relationship is so much better when I have taken care of myself, spiritually, mentally and physically. And I'm so grateful that our children really are forgiving to us when they see that we really are trying to be better for them and us. Of course some times he is cranky, distracted, ignorant, selfish, greedy, insensitive.....he is mostly present because he doesn't live in a fear state but in a love state. I have very strong-willed four-year-old and since discovering Aha!I could give many more, but I hope this is enough to help make Lindsey's day.My eighteen-month old: Being my second child, he has the benefit of parents who have learned a bit from past mistakes.She threw her arms around me and held on boa constrictor-tight for about five minutes. even though I don't end up following through ALL the way, I believe it helps. Each time I reminded myself that a tantrum was no emergency, that her feelings wouldn't hurt me, and that I could just stay separate but supportive during her outbursts, it was confidence building. * The magic really happens when I see how easily my little girl lets go of all the awful, even hurtful mistakes I make, and now that she's old enough, she will openly tell me what she is feeling.She came in for a hug and bit me in the stomach pretty hard! And on many days, I see that even though I have been trying very hard, there are still tinges of sarcasm and criticism creeping into my communication with my children.When I barrel on with my own mind full of "busy adult stuff" I make life so much harder for myself. I was busy working at home and my daughter came up to get my attention. So -- given that this is so hard, I want some indication that this will really work.The biggest challenge to my patience has always been when my three year old daughter seems to be willfully refusing to cooperate.Maybe you allow feelings at your house now, and you noticed yesterday that your child is less rebellious.This is just the most striking example of how applying the advice you give has strengthened our bond and smoothed our family life.I also worried that this approach might spoil my kids or cause more misbehavior, but it helps them to want to and to try to be better (notice the word here is better, not perfect)...But small changes can make such a difference, and we are seeing the results every day.And when giving a time-out (so to speak), I now always go on the "time out" with him. She was being so defiant, whining, destroying everything in her path like a wild, angry tornado. So the advice does work, even if you don't manage to follow through all the way, whatever you can implement is good. But having nothing else in my parenting bag to try, I went for it. I love my kids, but staying patient when they act up is hard. Maybe I can stay calm during a tantrum, but I'm no saint.He does not have as many tantrums as my older son had at his age because I am more willing to let him explore his environment and don't have unrealistic expectations of how obedient he should be.Last weekend, my son started crying and screaming at me over something I can't even remember now.It really hurt, and I screamed, and she started laughing. " She was still laughing and started talking in a baby voice. " She said "I won't see my friends again and I might not see you again! Some days I'm good at it and some days I just suck at it. And that is usually when I'm in a hurry; overworked and unbalanced. I still get frustrated and yell when I feel like nothing else is working.I said, taking hold of his hands, "Wow, you are really angry. It's okay to be mad, but it's not okay to hit me." He crumpled into tears and I continued to validate, "You came up with a really great idea, I can see you are super excited about it, and you really want to try it.Like Lindsay, I wasn't brought up this way, and I have clear memories of my feelings as a preschooler and it still hurts to this day. It's hard to change habits, and it doesn't happen overnight. Put myself in my kids' shoes more often -- to try to see things through their eyes -- to try to imagine myself being 7 or 9 again (which they are). I see how upsetting it is for my children to be yelled at, and I don't want them to suffer that anymore. I believe that taking care of myself has to be a big priority so I am rested, and present in the moment with my children. Laura, for all you are doing to help parents to be better parents for their children, and to change the world, one child at a time. We got home and I felt immediate pressure to start the dinner we were both hungry for but instead, I sat with him in the car and told him I'd hold him as long as he wanted. He cried and then let out a big sigh and said, I really did want to go to that restaurant and I was crying so much about it.So I think the biggest thing is - more feeling of connection that I feel with my children and that I see them exhibit towards each other. Laura, I have always tried to stay on the path of non-coercive parenting and striven to inspire cooperation rather than forcing it.childhood temper tantrum essayI am trying to find time for me in the midst of doing all this very attentive time with each of my very demanding children.I got irritated but then something within told me he must be feeling jealous. And that empathy, connection, and soft response flows then on down to the kids. Instead of yelling, I am finding a way to meet their need to connect, to be close. ) And my kids are so enjoyable at the dinner table! Learning how to respond to needs without yelling will have rewards beyond the joy, peace & warmth you will feel toward your kids (and they for you).I said, "I am very angry and have to come to talk to you in a few minutes." My husband took over with her for a minute, and then I came in and had her sit with me on the floor. I said, "Are you frustrated with mom for not taking time to play with you? I said, "Are you sad because you want mom and I couldn't play? " Then she crawled up under my shirt and I rocked her, and comforted her that we were a family and families moved together and she would never be apart from me. You'll never find yourself looking ridiculous in public screaming at your kid(s) like a maniac. I see that they are hurt by small remarks I make to correct behavior. Our family rule is screen time only on Saturday and Sunday." at least 20 times every hour, he finally gets to watch his movie on Saturday.It would make my day if there are parents who try to do all this and it actually works." Staying patient when our kids act up is hard. And yes, it is so much harder if we're sleep deprived, as parents so often are. And I know from personal and professional experience that we don't have to be saints.Or you saw your older child be empathic to your younger one.There are days when things are a big struggle, but I really feel that something is changing deep within our hearts AND I feel us grow closer together when we chose love, and when in the middle of a tantrum I hug my child and genuinely tell him that I hear his pain and that I'll help him work through it.Or the tantrum that turned into a sobbing discussion about how hard it is to be the younger one who doesn't get to do the fun things, that he doesn't want to go to school, that everyone is mean.Whatever your story, large or small, it's a testament to your hard work. I'll post it here, as a gift to Lindsey and all the other parents who just need to know that all this hard work is worth it. I feel that every morning I have to make a commitment not to yell, to stay calm, to chose love. I've learned that when I apologize to my kids when I make mistakes and slip - I see that when they accept my apology, they feel empowerment and generosity of spirit.So instead of going off and apologizing to her and feeling like poo. I decided to be humble with myself and even started to cry. I have virtual strangers complementing me on the spark he shares.....often! If I parent from love he has faith there is love in the world and inspires that love in those he meets and that reinforces his positive behaviour...all of us have our 'imperfections' but what we focus our attention on and feed is what we experience so I know which way I want to face and which behaviour to feed...up the good work..authentic....opens up more possibilities than fear I promise xxxx" Yes, it is hard. No, you can't be perfect and trying to be will surely be your downfall...On a recent evening my husband and I got home from work with our three year old son.My children feel the love, they feel validated & they feel heard. It's harder but works so much better, and as a parent, I am not left with feelings of guilt and shame for being mean to my child. We are getting ready to move out of the country, and my daughter has been antsy and clingy. My kids never seem to get enough special time, enough play time or enough attention from me -- even when I try to give them all I've got.The effect that doing this had on my blood pressure was impressive, but the effect it had on her behavior was beyond belief.I understand that this is her way of experimenting with her own independence, but I still had such a hard time not getting angry, especially when there was someplace we had to be and she would just not do anything to help get us out the door.When she finally pulled away from me, she had the brightest, biggest smile. The tantrums grew shorter - but I cannot lie and tell you that it wasn't painful to hear some seemingly UNENDING tantrums at first. No lingering whining, no continued begging for this or that, no hitting or kicking. All I have to do is wait it out, let her have her feelings, and let her know that I'm on her side - even if I can't give her all she wants. He puts clothes in the washing machine, gathers potatoes to bring to the kitchen, brings me clothes hangers."Your website does make me feel I can do better, maybe even stop yelling if I can just get enough sleep. If I do all this, will my kids really act nicer and listen better?I dropped all my work (no task will ever be as important as giving this baby of mine every opportunity to thrive) and we just played. My daughter just turned three, and I tell you that now I am NOT AFRAID of tantrums anymore because they don't have the power to make me want to fight or run from my daughter, and I don't feel out of control even when I am tired, because I know what to do, how to love her the best I can, and that it works! It takes commitment to spend time with your child at inconvenient moments, and to see your own needs more clearly. My son does NOT like it when I cook or do laundry or do the dishes. And yes, it takes much longer than if I had done it all myself. I try everyday with my 3 Year old and momma and P time has quickly become a favorite.He overflowed with anger and lashed out to punch me (this used to happen often, but less and less all the time).It was my daughters 4th birthday and she had a school holiday. Everyone was calling up to wish my daughter well... He generally never is fussy about geting ready for school..that day he was not eating his breakfast or taking a bath but was justwasting his time... That sounds like fun." And in the time it takes them to describe respond, I breathe, and look for the "YES." Or try asking them to help me get ingredients, or stir (even if it doesn't need stirring).I'm talking about things like receiving his milk in the "wrong" color cup or not receiving the snack he requested quickly enough.And I'm reminding myself that we are all trying -- that we are all communicating, and we all love each other, and we are doing better today than last month, and we will figure it out. I can't do it all the time, but when I get down on my knees and empathize with my 3.5 year old, it diffuses a tantrum and makes her feel loved. childhood temper tantrum essay I thought I was already allowing feelings but I think I was sending my son the message that really, not ALL feelings were allowed. Miraculously we were able to move into the house and get dinner started and I felt pretty connected to him throughout. I'm so grateful others are traveling this road with me and that you, Dr. I never regret keeping my cool and am always immensely proud of myself when I make the effort to connect with my child.I listened for 30 minutes, sitting next to him while he sobbed into the couch, occasionally yelling or screaming that I didn't understand. I expected an explosion, or at least that he would run away and slam the door. It feels right to be connected, supportive, to listen to big feelings.We just have to try, and our intention makes a huge difference. Will you write to me and tell me if doing this hard work has made a difference with your child?If he is violent, I keep my distance, by closing the gate or door if needed..I always keep the connection (as Laura suggested). To let him know his feelings are ok and that I am right there with him as he is raging has made a world of difference. With each disconnect experience they feel from you, another brick is getting placed on the wall. For starters, keeping my cup full (and being aware of the reasons for doing so) has helped enormously. And my two-year-old daughter has started volunteering apologies after the tantrum has cooled and she's had a chance to process everything. I kept admonishing her, telling her to settle down, disciplining her. The next morning, frustrated again, she smacked me. But instead of getting angry, I remembered what I'd read the night before. It was pretty hard for the first month or two - hard mentally.I see that this influences their behavior with each other - there are more kind words and gestures, more "I'm sorry" and more "Don't worry, I know it wasn't your fault" that they extend to each other, than before.Do you know that my daughter, who was 4, came outside to see me and said with a hopeful smile, "are you feeling better? parenting, I see differences in his ability to self-regulate and I feel like a kinder and more competent parent.My husband & I talk about how hard raising kids are almost daily. As the child gets older, it will be too hard for them to really feel close to the parent on a deeper level because their trust has been broken. My parents, who practiced the old fashion methods of discipline, & I are not very close. Using humor and play to diffuse situations almost always works. Two things you said that have stuck with me: 1) Remember the innocence 2) Every difficult moment between child/parent is an opportunity to connect... Finally, your advice about slowing down the pace, and being more flexible with as much as possible has really helped me with my own expectations. I never stopped to ask myself what *her* perspective was, or if I was doing something to add to her frustration. I told her it was okay for her to be mad at me, but that we never, ever hit. I said it seemed like she'd had a rough couple of days. Often, when my kids are nasty to each other, I'll say: why are you doing this. I had to stop my reactions, first of all, which was the most difficult thing.So I gave him a hug and asked if was feeling so he replied yes...just for 5 minutes I took him in arms and told him that even I am feeling so..its ok...everyone has his own special day..whether you believe it or not he was feeling better and went to school on time.... Laura's advice on empathizing with your child, is that it does dissipate the conflict. For me, it usually means letting go of "time alone" in the evening, and going to bed when the kids go to bed. In the morning I'm rested, and when the moment comes that I feel overwhelmed by my own emotional response to their behaviors—I can pause. One of my biggest triggers has been when I'm trying to make food for them, and they come at me, one after another, demanding, crying, whining. I KNOW they really want my attention, and I don't have any more hands. They help clear off the table, put food out, and are excited to sit down together. These tools have improved every relationship I have - including with myself. parenting suggestions around the time my daughter was nearly two years old.Maybe you're even like the mom I heard from at Thanksgiving, whose five year old said she was thankful for a mom who doesn't yell any more. Feel free to go to the original blog post where you can read more. For me, this type of parenting is a daily journey and a daily choice.Or will they just take advantage of me being nice, and act even worse? Mostly on your website people ask for advice and you give it but we don't hear whether it works.Sometimes, I still run out of patience and have to apologize.He cried for maybe one minute, got up and said, "Okay, I'm done. " In the past, these incidents would turn into major battles and end in my feeling exhausted and like a horrible parent because I didn't have the patience I needed.Sometimes the best we can do is make amends, reconnect, and try again tomorrow. Or you got your child back on track by seeing things from his perspective.My idea was that this would 1) remind me not to be angry and 2) remind her of our connection and that she really did want to be helpful and not hurtful.This is also very opposite to the way I was raised and it is so powerful! My transformation into being a parent has been very challenging.Its tough b/c I have three little ones, so to get time to focus on one and sit down alone with him and work it out, well it can be a juggling act. My mother was a yeller, and as hard as I tried, I couldn't stop yelling. I have been practicing approaching my children in this new way, and although some days I get it right, other days - especially if I'm tired - I just lose it. It's hard to forget that horrified, terrified look on a little person's face! I realize now that I needed to take better care of myself, create some good boundaries, and do some "heart" work to fix some of the parenting ideas I'd been given by my parents.And she says things like "Mommy, we don't yell, right? As a single parent I still lose it, I still look to my friends and family for support, but when I see her taking deep breaths and trying not to have fits, I know it's making a difference. And I know we're BOTH way better with a full night's sleep.I knew I was the one feeling bad inside, I didn't have a good day. I see the fluctuations....that's my basis for parenting these days.And sometimes the tantrums are insurmountable and seems like we'll never get through it.Empathizing with our child when we just want him to cooperate is hard. There's no way to be a perfect parent, and lots of ways to be a good one. childhood temper tantrum essay I took a deep breath and resisted the urge to make him be respectful towards me and to basically tell him to get over it (my past usual reaction).Or maybe you're better at taking care of yourself now, and you're enjoying parenting more. Thank you for putting this together - I am really looking forward to reading other parents responses to this!And after 30 minutes I told him I couldn't listen anymore right now. Instead, after 2 minutes, he got up and offered to help make his lunch and told me he was excited to go to school. And to stick with limits calmly, without a lot of justification or negotiation.There would be yelling and telling him he's ungrateful, he's crazy, that his screaming will get him nothing and that I'm not going to engage until he calms down.It became immediately clear that he was having "one of those nights," where he will explode and throw stomping tantrums over every little thing.And, the best part, it wasn't "one of those nights" because he was perfectly pleasant the rest of the evening. I'm waiting for another occasion to see if this works a second time!That really hurt me." She said, "I know Mom, I'm sorry" and she kissed me in the area where she had bit me. Our relationship was strengthened, not diminished, and I can feel good that my interactions with her were loving and positive AND firm. I feel responsible for their rigidity and poor behavior. After a bedtime ritual that included 45 minutes of screaming, kicking and pulling my hair, during which I remained calm, present and supportive most of the time, I get a day with happy, cooperative 6 year old. We go play outside instead of fighting about turning it off.She went from defiant to eager to please in a single hug.Sometimes we have the internal fortitude to stay calm during a tantrum, which models emotional regulation for our child. It might be a recent incident in which you were able to stop your own meltdown and reconnect with your child.Personally, I wish you would write a book so I could buy it for everyone I know! After a 2 hour session of undivided loving attention filled with laughter, hugs and silly games, my often wild 6 year old has a great day at school and gets compliments about being helpful, easy going and unusually cheerful and patient from the mother who hosted a playdate for him and her son. And a few times in the last month he has said "I am so angry! I hate you" instead of actually throwing something at me, or hitting me, or pounding on his brother.My husband, secretly watching from the hallway, met me in the kitchen to congratulate me on keeping my cool.I would some times "lose it" and go off on her always feeling terrible later, but still angry and wanting her to "get it".He loves to play with water, so I let him stand on his little stool and splash around in the sink. He accepts this redirection with less fuss because he is given more freedom to act like a toddler. Any all my calmness usually goes right out the window I'm staring out.Well, one day, I just lost it and got angry, yelling at her.My husband uses humor with the kids when things turn south. I am not as good with using humor when I'm frustrated, but definitely using empathy works for me. After several rough days in a row with my toddler, I felt like I might explode. Mind you, my parents were good parents, but they were the type to spank me, then yell at me to "stop crying or they'd give me something to cry about." It took a lot of faith that what Dr Laura said would work, and so much of it went against conventional wisdom that I was afraid to be the laughing stock of my circle of friends.Just yesterday I was warning my almost 6-year-old that it was almost time to go to his afternoon activity, and there wasn't much time to play with a great new creation.I'm no saint either and am constantly reminding myself that I can do better.He started to say that he wanted to go a restaurant for dinner. But I managed to stay calm and say soothing things like, I know you really want to eat at that restaurant for dinner. While I have read a number of really important books on good parenting in my time, it can be hard 2 hold onto that wisdom. In regards to Lindsey - I really DO believe that these techniques work. My husband and I always try to reconnect and focus on the relationship, rather than "punishing," and then we deal with the bad behavior. Conversely I always DEEPLY regret when I get upset and lose it (have a tantrum in other words).So the screaming and stomping began and here is what happened: 1) I stopped what I was doing and sat down next to him; 2) I made eye contact, listened to his complaint for a minute and did not let the screaming anger me 3) I then calmly explained that I hear him and I agree. ) are so tasty and I love them too but he will have to wait until dinnertime in a half hour 4) He blubbered briefly, collapsed into my arms for a minute and then wandered off to play with his toys.(I do have to slice the cheese, dear, I don't keep pre-sliced cheese in my pocket.) My standard reaction on a night like this, while I'm busily making dinner and dealing with breakfast dishes, would be to get into an angry argument with the boy. childhood temper tantrum essay I could give many more, but I hope this is enough to help make Lindsey's day. childhood temper tantrum essay




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